As my 33rd birthday draws closer, I feel my chest tighten up and the anxiety of getting older begins to fester. I often stare in the mirror and look for for flaws. Like how many wrinkles I have or the grey hair starting to creep in. Or how going for a run just isn't enough these days to lift the ol' Wilcox butt up. I keep thinking about how tired I feel. The amount of energy I need to have in order to keep up with my toddler. I reminisce of my Rock-n-Roll days in my 20's (Damn I had fun!). I wish I had the energy I had then. I wish I had the life inside me I had then. What happened? Why am I wasting time wishing for those things or dwelling on negative thoughts. It does me no good.
Then I had an epiphany, if you will. I took a hard look at myself....a real hard look at who I am now. I took a deep breath faced the not so good qualities and bad habbits I have developed over the years. I came to find out. I really don't like myself. I don't like who I have become. Kinda this lazy, half assed, procrastinating, passive, dreamer. I sit back and let things just.....happen....or NOT happen. Now with that said, I do admire the person I am at work. If anything, my parents taught me EXCELLENT work ethic. Now I just need to bring that drive home to my personal life. I don't think I am a bad person. I think I have turned kind of into ADVERAGE. I don't like being adverage. I can be better...I can be great. I am going to OWN it and accept full responsiblity for all of it.
I have decided to give myself a challange. A CHALLENGE for LIFE! I commitment to myself and to my family to be the best I can be every day (super duper cheez..right!). But I think it is most important that I am doing this for me, cause I want to. Otherwise, I wouldn't be fully commited.
So, with that said, I am using this blog to hold myself accountable for none other than myself. I hope you follow me through my journey. Cheer me on. I know this wont be easy. I know I will still have my dark moments. But I think that this will be the best kind of thearpy for me. I will blog about my daily "challanges"... like organizing my pantry to becoming better mom to plucking my eyebrows to finishing my crafting that I started to blog about a few months ago.
My journey starts now.
I know what you mean. I am feeling the same way right now. I have tried to get better, and the blog has really helped. Its like a journal, but with people actually reading it motivates you to keep writing. I'm hoping when this baby comes out I'll have more energy! Especially with a change of scenery!
ReplyDeleteHopefully we can both get over this crap! Good luck!